Ten Things Nobody Tells You About Pregnancy After Loss
Dear newly-pregnant Elisa,
I wish I could say that it gets easier the further the pregnancy progresses. I wish I could tell you that the moment you look down at that positive pregnancy test all of your fears, past trauma, and heartache will disappear. I wish that each milestone brought with it the sense of relief that you are seeking.
I wish that you could experience the blissful ignorance of a first pregnancy again.
Instead, you will refer to your pregnancy as a ‘transfer’ unable to utter the words pregnant or pregnancy until after week 14. Your safe phrase will be “the transfer is progressing well” and this is the statement you will continue to use until after week 16. At week 18 the recurring nightmare of losing your baby will begin to subside, and the crippling anxiety that comes with each scan will ease. At week 20 you will feel safe enough to tell your immediate family that you are expecting, and after week 22 you will stop checking for blood each time you use the bathroom. At week 34 you’ll feel safe enough to share your news with the world and by week 38 you will really truly believe that this is happening.
This isn’t the pregnancy or experience you had hoped for but after four losses and four years of infertility, this Elisa, is your story.
With love,
Very-pregnant (and about to pop) Elisa xx
Pregnancy after loss brings with it a multitude of emotions.
Many of which won’t surface until the moment you find out you’re pregnant.
For me, that day was Friday, November 27, 2020. I was 4 days post embryo transfer and took an early over-the-counter pregnancy test (against the advice of my RE) confirming that I was pregnant - for the fifth time.
I remember looking at that test and hiding it in the very back of the bathroom cupboard. Up until this point, my only association with pregnancy had been loss and this positive test meant that I was once again vulnerable to a loss. Something I wasn’t prepared to face just yet. And so I hid the test and pretended it didn’t exist.
Knowing that my HCG levels were rising should’ve filled me with confidence, instead, it filled me with dread and anxiety. Seeing our teeny embryo’s heartbeat on the screen for the very first time should’ve given me the reassurance I needed, instead, I was crippled with fear.
The next several months would go on to be filled with many shoulds. I should be taking more bump pictures, I should be able to able to buy a goddam maternity bra without the fear of thinking that it’ll be a waste of money if I have another miscarriage. I should be able to move my body in a way that I know is safe without the fear of losing my baby.
But that’s the thing about pregnancy after recurrent loss, it robs you of those simple joyful moments, and instead, you’re left with the shoulds.
These are ten things that nobody tells you about pregnancy after recurrent pregnancy loss:
1. A pregnancy test will not always equal instant joy
Nor will it immediately take away your pain.
2. You’ll add and delete maternity clothes from your online shopping cart for weeks
Despite not fitting into any of your pre-pregnancy clothes. The thought of having to return said maternity clothes if you lose the baby makes this simple task virtually impossible and so you’ll wait until the very last moment when a boob falls out of your bra!!
3. You will feel pangs of jealousy when you see other pregnant women do all of the “normal” things you’re too afraid to do
Like drinking coffee, getting their nails done, and eating soft-boiled eggs. You might even go as far as to spit out that sip of kombucha you inadvertently drank - just in case! Oh, and you’ll avoid eating out at all costs!!
4. For the first time in your fertility journey, you’ll be triggered by pregnancy announcements
Especially those on or before the twelve-week mark. You might even consider shutting down your Instagram account because you can’t be trusted not to search for #genderrevealparties and #pregnancyaccouncements.
5. You’ll pass pregnant women in the street and wish that you were further along in your own pregnancy
Without acknowledging you very likely already are.
6. The “real work” won’t start until after you’re pregnant
Despite all the healing and [insert] breathwork, energy work, meditation, journaling, past-life regression, and reiki sessions that you’ve done to prepare yourself for pregnancy, you must go through it (a pregnancy) to get to the other side of your healing journey.
7. You’ll try to hide your pregnancy (from friends, family, neighbors…) for as long as possible
Just in case something goes wrong and you have to go through the shameful ordeal of telling them that you’re no longer expecting. Again!
8. You wish away the pregnancy in the hopes of getting to a “safer place”
And before you know it you’re in the third trimester and missed out on enjoying all of the beautiful moments (in the way that other pregnant women appear to be enjoying them on Instagram!).
9. You’ll find yourself panic-buying “all the things” for your baby weeks from your due date
Because you don’t want to risk having to return all said things if something goes wrong - especially if you are just outside of the 30-day return window.
10. You’ll buy a journal to document your pregnancy
Only to wait until your 38th week to write in it and then have to recount all the moments that you “wished” you had documented but were too scared to do in real-time!
I hope that this feels you with peace and reassurance that there is no ‘perfect pregnancy’ only a pregnancy that is perfect for you and all that you have endured bringing your baby into this world.
If you are somewhere along the road in your own fertility journey I am sending you love, light, and hope that you too will experience the joy of pregnancy, even if at times it feels more scary than joyful.
Meet Elisa
As a Mama, wife, CEO, executive, and fertility advocate, Elisa is passionate about redefining motherhood.
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